Just another day......

Just another day that came and went.
Just another day that was marked off the calendar.
I don't have a special place in my heart for Father's Day
I, a member of the fatherless tribe,
don't acknowledge this day
I have no anger
I actually enjoy the daddy-daughter pictures
that my friends post on the social networks
Although I have no pictures to post or memories to share,
I hope that my children in 6-10 years
will flood the social networks
with obnoxiously cute pictures
of their daddy ;-)
Twitter was abound with shoutouts to single moms doing it alone and tweets about deadbeat dads
The day dedicated to honoring the men (fathers, coaches, cousins, mentors, uncles, grandfathers, family friends....) that had a positive impact on people's lives were overshadowed with grief, bitterness, and hopelessness
It was quite sad.
Even for me
a woman who treats this as
just another day

TheSkinnyBlackGirl summed it up for me quite nicely.....


 "Father’s Day fits with Ramadan, Passover, or the birthdays of strangers; it’s a day that’s sacred to some, but irrelevant for me. I tend to let it quietly slip by as another inconsequential Sunday in June."

so there's this guy....

It's amazing how differently life looks when you like someone.

I'm convinced the blues are bluer.

I analyze every text message
Every conversation
Every movement.

Slowly but surely

driving myself crazy. 

Not gonna lie,
He made me like Jill Scott
more.
*cues Cross My Mind*

He wants to read my poetry. 

Should I write him a poem?

With every interaction, I hope that I didn't mess it up. Who I be?!?!
As frustrating as liking a guy can be [the place where questions and insecurities collide] I wouldn't change a thing.
I enjoy him.

I'm just gonna ride this thang on out....

and the text said.....

A few days ago, I got a picture message from a friend in his graduation glory from his masters program. He told me about his plans to move to Georgia for his new job.
Me: Fancy :-)
Him: Prepping for my wife (you) Lol
Me: Where in Georgia will you (we) be living?
The rest of those details are irrelevant.

*Please note: my response sans an "LOL"....yall just sit with that*

 Lemme go ahead and purchase that webcam so I can skype my boo in Georgia skype my girls to discuss.



Today's text from my bestie:
"Can I just get a man? Lol. Like I need a sign from God. Anything? Okay I'm done"

....that's all I'm saying.




Was my sign already shown to me?
*Looks at God*

Where You Be At?!

"I've been dating since I was 15. I'm exhausted.  Where is he?"

Someone decided to fall asleep while watching Sex and The City last night *points at self*......
Charlotte's question is so real. I'm only 23 and I often wonder where my intended is?
I'm really not in any rush to be married and what not.
But I just want to know: Who he be?
What is he doing? Where is he? Do I already know him?
Is he gonna be better than my mama's collard greens and cornbread?
[Yall can thank Fantasia for that poetry]
Will he appreciate my love for everything Beyonce?
Will I appreciate his idiosyncrasies?
So many questions,
 no answers.
Since my husband won't be revealed to me,
what about my man-friend? (Still trying to see if that feels right....boyfriend, the boy, the beaux.....)
Where he be?
The thirst is real.
Perhaps, its the idea of a significant other that excites me?
Because who knows, I might get one and be ready to unload him.
Lol
Do I need a man?
*goes to Twitter*
RT @WisdomisMisery Hmmm, Steve asked: Do you feel uncomfortable admitting you need a man? Do you feel you need a man? (Feel free to respond ladies).
RT @WildCougConfess @WisdomisMisery I need a staff of men its just better that way << LMAO
*and we're back.....*
Nah! I don't need one.
I just would like to share my time, energy, and cuteness with someone other than my friends.
Plain and simple.
No shade to them.
But I'm currently drowning in estrogen

Sooo utterly unimpressed with my lack of options.
I'm winter time cold without a winter time boo. See what I did there?
In the meantime, I will continue to cuddle up with my books, highlighters, index cards and the rest of my school supplies.
They get me.
Been around since preschool circa 1991
Consistency is key.

Are you there God? It's Me, *Ta.

---If you did not get that Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret?  (Judy Bloom) reference, I'm not sure if our friendship can continue. I loved this book when I read it as a middle schooler :-)---

I asked God to put my future man-friend's husband's  name on a post it during one of our nightly conversations.
.I promised I wouldn't frantically search for him on the internets. I would do nothing with the information besides see what it felt like to say his name. The Lord knows my heart. Needless to say, God never presented me with the post it note of my dreams.

I prayed for love last night.

It's the little things.

He doesn't remember much about the first time we met. He doesn't remember the way he looked at me or the hilarious nonsense that was said. He only remembers my purple shirt. A purple tank top from Target. I wore that shirt today. I couldn't help but smile. ;-)

Atypical Communication

"Soo how was your day?!" It was a simple question. He asked me about my day. This isn't one of those he asked and actually listened post's. It's gonna be he asked but never asks kind of post.
Let me explain. This guy and I have a "different" type of communication. When we see  each other  or text we don't ask each other about our days. The conversations are random, trivial at best. We just talk. It sounds crazy, I know.  It sounds like something I wouldn't want to do. But he's tall with a good back. Sometimes a girl has to make sacrifices.   I kid. ;-) We like each other. But that whole talking to each other about our days and sh*t just isn't what we do.
Cut to a few weeks ago: we're texting per usual and he says he wants to see me. Nothing new here. He goes on to offer to pick me up from campus. (Sign #1 that something was off...he's never offered his vehicle O_o) The crazier thing is I accepted the offer ( Sign #2 .....I was studying in between classes. I'm serious about my studying. Lol). He picks me up, I get in the car, say hi and what not. He hits me with, "Soo  how was your day?"


GIFSoup

I just knew I was being punked. But Ashton and the camera crew never showed up. Long story short, we talked about not so trivial things. I was all types of taken aback. Needless to say, I appreciate his predictability so much so when he veered left when I was expecting him to veer right...I didn't know how to react.
.....These are the moments when my life is just so random and full of surprises. These boys are acting brand new. I blame the sunshine and the ability to now play basketball outside. (I wrote that last sentence with so much sincerity).  

They are keeping this part time emotionally thugnificent woman on her toes. 

Hating the player and the game

I went to a party last night. The pheromones were suffocating. Flirting was at an all time high. There were drinks. There was music. It was a good time ;-)

In the midst of all the choosing, I noticed many of the guys whispering sweet nothings in the ears of very attractive women. I'm all about flirting and interacting with the opposite sex at parties. I'm single. I have no promises to keep. I can boost a man's ego sell dreams at my leisure. No one gets hurt in the process. It's all fun and games. Here's the problem with the aforementioned scene, these attractive women weren't their girlfriends. As a person who enjoys a good flirtatious exchange, the conversation with these women is not the issue. For me the issue arises when two lives are being led; being in a relationship and being single are simultaneously at play. What is the point of having a girlfriend if you are going to actively pursue other women????? <<<< I just don't get it. These men can be single and sell dreams without breaking promises to the women they claim they care about. Is it the excitement of not getting caught? Is it because they want to always know that they can pull women no matter the circumstance? Is it because they recognize how great their girlfriends are and would rather not share them with other men? I can't call it. It is a phenomenon that I just can't wrap my head around. What is the point of putting in the work it takes to get and keep a girlfriend (dates, meeting friends&family, incorporating them into life decisions) if it all gets pushed to the wayside? The reason as to why these men do what they do may be linked to being able to have their cake and eat it too. They simply do it because they can. What the girlfriend doesn't know won't hurt her, right?! *eyeroll*

On paper these men are creme de la creme. They are top notch. It doesn't hurt that they are attractive. They have successful futures ahead of them. They also have the uncanny ability to use their words to make many women swoon. I completely understand why women would want to be in their presence. Their resumes are known and so are their relationship statuses.These men present themselves as upstanding gentlemen and future leaders in the proverbial community. But their dealings with women prove otherwise. Men aren't perfect. Neither are women. But I believe if you make a commitment to someone, keep it. Be present in the relationship. And if/when you don't want to, use your words and get out. Simple.

I'm not sure if the girlfriends know. If they do, what a shame. Wasting years with a man who refuses to fully commit. I would want to talk to them so that I could here the rationale. If they don't, what a shame. Wasting years with a man who refuses to commit. See what I did there?! Whether they know or not, it's still sad. *sigh*  Maybe one these men will stop chasing women and focus on the women they have? Or maybe they won't. I can't call it. *sigh* I don't have a solution, just a slew of observations.
But what I know for sure, it couldn't be me.
Let me rephrase, I hope and pray that I am never put in this situation.

Do I really want one: Boyfriend Edition

Relationships have been the talk of the town this week.
During Margarita Mondays
Text messages
GChat
Twitter
and late night conversations between friends.

Some want to be in them while others want nothing to do with them. Tonight I had two conversations with friends who have reached their breaking points in their respective relationships. Chile I'm spent. Knowing what we all know about relationships: we all still want to be in them.While observing my friend's failed relationships and my own flings, I have realized what not to do. I know what I'll tolerate and what I won't. However, with all that in mind I often wonder why I still want a significant other despite the drama it comes with. I think there is a fundamental want to be apart of something; to be the object of some one's affection; to know that someone is thinking of you. People simply want to feel wanted and special. But in order to achieve all of this a few concessions have to be made by both parties involved. I think we have forgotten the comings and goings between lovers will not always be covered in fairy dust. Problems will arise. But the question is: who will rise to the occasion when the relationship is crumbling?!
My friends are at a crossroad. During the end of the phone calls, I thought: I'm glad it's not me.
I say this because I'm really not in place right now where I want to consider someone else's feelings. <<<this sounded more selfish than I intended it to. My plate is already brimming with my own confusion, family, and friends. Now adding a guy and his baggage (we all have it....it's just about how we wear it) there's no room for it. But this is what I know for sure: I haven't met a guy that has prompted me to make room. *shrugs* Let the record show....I am not against b-friends. They are great. I expect to have one ....one day. However,For me...in this moment, relationships sound good in theory after a long day at work on Saturday when all I want to do is curl up on my couch. But in my reality, I just don't see it. That's no shade to any of the guys that are in my life now in some capacity. They are serve a purpose and the role of boyfriend is not one of them. I'm just a girl going along for the ride.

Life is crazy. sexy. cool. 

I'm not complaining. 

I wonder does he know...

Today he told me I was beautiful
I wonder if he knew
that my father never told me
Never referred to me as daddy's little girl
Never having the pleasure of Daddy-Daughter day
Never having the dream of  walking down the aisle with him at my side
Never uttering the words
Daddy
Papa
Dad
Father
Padre

Never knowing the love of the man that

help create me

No, he probably doesn't
because my daddy issues are not written
on my sleeve
they are in the dark spaces
I have  often visited over the years
Analyzing every failed fling
wondering if his lack of presence was the reason
I can't call it
And I refuse to place all the blame upon the weak shoulders of a man
who couldn't even look me in the eye
the last time he saw me
eleven years ago
Instead I will take the compliment
and place it next to those dark spaces.
cushioning my disappointment
reminding me that
although fatherless children love differently,
we love nonetheless.

Have you talked to him?!

Have you talked to him?!

 The answer is either yes, no, or kinda. (Kinda: We tweeted each other that one time or he commented on my status.) Recently, I have come to dread this question! Why?! Because I have don't have a cute anecdote to share. (I know that sounds silly. I felt silly when I wrote it. But it's true). I have no updates in the boy department. *deep dramatic sigh* There are days when this realization is welcomed. No boys=No Drama. But what this little equation leaves out is feelings. The ones that we (I) have desperately tried to let go of. The ones we don't want to admit we (still) have. The ones that arise when your friends ask, "Have you talked to him?!"
 Feelings....They take up so much of my thought space.
I want to share them. Yes I know, that slight brush of an arm should have been clear enough but sometimes words are necessary. I'm not a mind-reader and neither are the guys that are the object of my affection.
As I much as I detest that question, I pose it to my friends all the times. (Funny how that works).

Maybe sometime soon, I'll have a new story or two for my friends, until then I'll try to tip toe around the question. In other words, I will attempt to fan away those pesky feelings.

Drunk on memories

"only in those quiet moments do I think of you
your smile
hugs that seemed to last an eternity
memory lane is where I reside
I feel as though I've been here before
writing about what may have been
reveling in what was
dizzy with confusion and hope
always in the hands of hope
but in this moment
time only knows
what the future will hold"

.....it's Valentine's Day. I was feeling sappy, soft, and hormonal. #PMS

Valentine's Day has never meant that much to me in terms of having a male to spend it with. Well, frankly, there was never a boy to spend it with. Year after year, I celebrated with my girls. This year is no different. She and I will be making dinner, baking cookies, and watching sappy love movies. *grabs Klee-nex* . Honestly, I wouldn't want it another way. If this day is all about spending it with someone you care about, why not spend it with my friend of 4 years [seems longer than that. Lol] Friendships take as much work as relationships. So at this point, she is as close as I'm getting to a boyfriend on Valentine's Day. She'll do. Lol.

As I browsed Facebook and Twitter, people were either upset or all for Valentine's Day. For some, it's the day when their significant other does something super cute and sweet. For others, it was another day to bash the opposite sex. If I were in a relationship, yes I would want the boy and I to do something disgustingly cute too. However, a random day in February is not going to cut it. I'm a just because kind of girl. Let's do something because we want to celebrate our relationship not because that's what is supposed to happen on February 14th. I also understand the bashing that occurs. All this sappiness could make someone jump off a cliff. Sometimes being bitter is all of the emotion people can muster up.

So have a Happy Valentime's Day :D [[why this is mispronounced every year drains my entire life]]

It really is that simple

there are times when I think I see you

each time

my breath escapes me

my heart stops

time slows down

[insert dramatic kissing scene from The Notebook]

....insert melodrama.

Honestly, sometimes this whole having a crush or liking someone is so full of theatrics I don't know where to turn; like a maze I can't get out of [not that I'm actually doing anything to get out of it....] but i digress......

The ups and downs that emerge when the opposite sex collide is straight out of a Lifetime movie. (Well minus the low budget, straight to DVD feel. Lol) Liking someone is full of incoherent text messages to friends, butterflies, and wall slides. All of which I've experienced time and time again.

Each time I ask myself, "Why am I putting myself through this....Why am I hoping for hope?"

And to that I remind myself how silently excited I get when someone mentions your name, how your mere presence makes my heart flutter, and how differently my name sounds coming from your lips. [if this isn't that sappy nonsense that warrants an eye-roll, I don't know what is! But sometimes it be's like that.....]

....it's the simple things in life that keep me coming back for more.

.....*takes a bow* end scene

I am the Void Filler

Like a crescent moon cradling the night sky

I find myself wrapped in your arms

no space between us

I am the void filler

momentarily covering that hole

in your heart

the one you won't admit is still there

crawling hands cry for me

when I'm not close to you

I am the void filler

giving you my body when

you need something to hold on to

not wanting to widen a space that's already there

*inspired by>>>>*http://darnellwalker.wordpress.com/2011/01/13/the-void-filler-noise/ #homage.

Sky Blue Bed Sheets (8 out of 10)

I left my heart on sky blue bed sheets

where I had written our beginning

middle

and end

I had plans

I was petal open

just waiting for your cue

and I got nothing

but

coldness in return

she said

don't expect anything

from someone who promised

you nothing

I bruised my own ego

with kisses shared

on sky blue bed sheets

placing promises

where they ought not be

but I was just a girl

thirsty for

reciprocation

thought

i had found something in you

in actuality

you were

just another guy

a keeper of my heart

in the folds of

sky blue bed sheets

is the girl I once knew

**photo courtesy of openphoto.net

Boys II Men (2 of 10)

Just another

colored boy up to no good

who knows the intricacies of a nine millimeter

before he can speak his first words

following in the footsteps of his absent father

he's learned two things

to love only one woman

his mother

and how to continue the cycle

his children

know nothing of him

besides the monthly letters

from the state penitentiary

where he daydreams

of time lost

my brothas this is my plea

My prayer

to rewrite

the histories of the sons

that have yet to be born

how will these boys grow up to be men

without your help?

Poem 9

One:

My love for you is unwavering

Heavy like the weight of the world

That rests upon your shoulders

Lay your struggles at my feet

My love is gentle

And ready to soothe your troubled soul

Two

How often you forget that you too came from the womb of royalty

You treat me less than the Queen you claim me to be

Always surprised when I don’t see the King in you

Three

You have my blessing when you decide to date outside the carefully constructed color lines

The heart knows no color

But it beats truth

Professing that my expectations have steered you into the arms of another woman who you declare

Lets you be a full man

Who am I to stand in the way of that?!

The expectations I have for myself

I have for you too

I’m sorry that I refuse to turn a blind eye to your nonsense

When you decide to find love with the woman who appears to have no voice

Be the man you claim you are

But leave me out of it

Four

No means no

Whether whispered or screamed

Respect it

Five

Stimulating my mind

With your thirst for knowledge

And hunger for something better

Will get you father than you have ever imagined

With my female counterparts

Six

Never knowing what it meant to have a father’s love

Here is my plea

I hope your daughters never have to look for you in the hearts of other men

Seven

Your voice

Thunderous in its approach but soft in its delivery as you whisper sweet nothings in my ear

The smooth ability to string words together

Captivating

Confusing

My attention is what you hold

Eight

Stop telling me that you are a grown man

I am sick of being disappointed when we both realize you are just a boy

Being a man requires no words

Just action

Nine

I did not kill chivalry

It died when men stopped doing it and women stopped demanding it

So in actuality we both laid it to rest

I was told that I needed to let men be men

Stroking their ego every so often

My brothas you want to be respected

And placed on a pedestal with Kings

I can only do so much

When you only do so little

So I will continue to demand excellence

Maybe one day you will do the same

Ten

I have loved you since the beginning of time

My love affair with you is as puzzling as it is beautiful

At times you have left me alone to fight my battles

Not understanding that merely wanting respect isn’t a luxury

It is a human right

By your side is where I will stay

Whether you like it or not

This journey cannot be walked alone

Supporting you every step of the way

Finding solace where our hearts lay

Together

My borthas I will always love you

Poem 7

Daddy's Little Girl

My unborn daughter

Your worth will not be trampled

And disfigured by men who claim to see your light shine so brightly

In the arms of your father

I trust you will learn

The gentle love that a black man can provide

In his heart you will always have a voice

Demanding that same courtesy from any man that crosses your path

You will be equipped to travel the murky waters of life

Making mistakes

Remembering it is all a part of the journey

Not falling in love with the first man that tells you are beautiful

Because in actually he is the second

Your father will let you in on the secrets of his counterparts

Praying beside me that our little girl doesn’t become prey

But when she does

She will find solace in his arms

Wiping her tears away as I help put her broken heart back together

My daughter

You will have love not only from me

But from a man who wants nothing from you but love in return

Poem 6

My body belongs to the darker brother

He uses his hands not his words to make his presence known

Unable to let my beauty speak for it self

He speaks for her

Painting her into an image of his liking

How dare she not acknowledge him?

How dare his cat calls go unnoticed?

Disobedience is not something he is accustomed to

He uses his hands not his words to make his presence known

Through brute force he shows me how much I'm worth

Forgetting that he too came out of the womb of a woman that looked like me

My love affair with the darker brother is as puzzling as it is beautiful

Refusing to admit our struggles go hand in hand

But always finding solace within my strength

Demanding respect while allowing you to be a full man

I have learned to walk the tight rope of the darker brother’s ego

Which is riddled with confusion and anger

I know your struggle

Because it is also mine

My brotha I will always love you but my voice will not be silenced