ramble.

always trying to find the good in situations can be harder than actually admitting the truth
especially someone like me, who at all times follows her truth.
"The truth is the light"
"To thine own self be true"
two statments I live by
Commited to.
It's amazing the character flaws we overlook when we are friends with someone.
Funny thing is maybe I am the flawed one.
What did Momma Maya say?
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them"
If this aint filled with truth
I don't know what is.
People will be people.
You either except them
or you don't.
I live in absolutes.
Apparently others do not
And yet here we are
the world still spinning on its axis
still going through the motions
something must be working right?

so there's this guy....

It's amazing how differently life looks when you like someone.

I'm convinced the blues are bluer.

I analyze every text message
Every conversation
Every movement.

Slowly but surely

driving myself crazy. 

Not gonna lie,
He made me like Jill Scott
more.
*cues Cross My Mind*

He wants to read my poetry. 

Should I write him a poem?

With every interaction, I hope that I didn't mess it up. Who I be?!?!
As frustrating as liking a guy can be [the place where questions and insecurities collide] I wouldn't change a thing.
I enjoy him.

I'm just gonna ride this thang on out....

My Presence is a Present

Everyday brings a lesson

I'm learning

I'm living

Counting down the days

As much as I am looking forward to graduating and what not, I want to enjoy these moments. Can I be present and future oriented at the same time????????! 

Balance is key and nowhere to be found

I want to be present

I wanna ride the waves of the newness and not succumb to the questions

questions that leave me more confused that I was to begin with

questions that I don't have the answers too

As of late, I have been given glimpses of the life I want

Once given a taste, I want it all.

I keep saying this, 

LIFE BE HAPPENING

Im just a girl along for the ride 

Sharing is Caring

*inspired by 25 Things and My Secrets**

• I haven't seen my father since i was 12 years old and I'm perfectly okay with that
• I wholeheartedly believe I was a socialite or royalty in my past life
• when I don't wear earrings I feel like a runaway slave
• I don't have siblings. I am actually quite proud of that. I never wanted any. I want multiple children. Funny how that works.
• I told many a friend that we would be friends when I first met them. I be knowing
• I speak in British accent at least twice a week
• I'm the happiest when eating
• I have a passport. I've only been to the Bahamas. I fee a way about that
• One of my besties would much rather be a housewife with an island in her kitchen than have a career. I would rather watch paint dry.
• I always have lipgloss/lipchap. When I don't, my day goes sour.
• With my recent weight gain, I avoid mirrors at all cost.
• I used to hate my stretch marks. Now I love them.
• I am very driven. I am also very lazy. Chile...
• I hate when people call me more than once and it's not an emergency. I hate when people call/text me asking if I got their text that they just sent. Sirs and ma'ams....
• I love Harry Potter and nem. We grew up together.
• I have recently observed that some may think I'm a lesbian. Team Paula Patton.
• I swear I always hear my phone vibrating or ringing. Its never the case.
• I clean in the wee hours of the morning. 
• Between friends, family, and coworkers, I feel like I'm the only one who doesn't have a smartphone
• A part of me believes I could marry for money.
• I've never celebrated Valentine's Day with a guy.
• I still talk to my elementary school librarian and third grade teacher.
• I love that Oprah and Stedman aren't married.
• I'm a firm believer in the unwritten girl code
• Although I love a few of India Arie's songs, I don't really like her. Things that most likely only make sense to me

Where You Be At?!

"I've been dating since I was 15. I'm exhausted.  Where is he?"

Someone decided to fall asleep while watching Sex and The City last night *points at self*......
Charlotte's question is so real. I'm only 23 and I often wonder where my intended is?
I'm really not in any rush to be married and what not.
But I just want to know: Who he be?
What is he doing? Where is he? Do I already know him?
Is he gonna be better than my mama's collard greens and cornbread?
[Yall can thank Fantasia for that poetry]
Will he appreciate my love for everything Beyonce?
Will I appreciate his idiosyncrasies?
So many questions,
 no answers.
Since my husband won't be revealed to me,
what about my man-friend? (Still trying to see if that feels right....boyfriend, the boy, the beaux.....)
Where he be?
The thirst is real.
Perhaps, its the idea of a significant other that excites me?
Because who knows, I might get one and be ready to unload him.
Lol
Do I need a man?
*goes to Twitter*
RT @WisdomisMisery Hmmm, Steve asked: Do you feel uncomfortable admitting you need a man? Do you feel you need a man? (Feel free to respond ladies).
RT @WildCougConfess @WisdomisMisery I need a staff of men its just better that way << LMAO
*and we're back.....*
Nah! I don't need one.
I just would like to share my time, energy, and cuteness with someone other than my friends.
Plain and simple.
No shade to them.
But I'm currently drowning in estrogen

Sooo utterly unimpressed with my lack of options.
I'm winter time cold without a winter time boo. See what I did there?
In the meantime, I will continue to cuddle up with my books, highlighters, index cards and the rest of my school supplies.
They get me.
Been around since preschool circa 1991
Consistency is key.

Random Rumblings #4

Emotions have been on high today.
............
One of the bestie's is moving away.
It was a tear fest.
I could barely hold it together when I got up to speak in front of her family and friends
This girl has been a constant since day one. Literally. I met her at orientation
I'm sad to see her go but I know that this a good thing for her ;-)
I'm gonna miss her though.
My cup runneth over ((from the movie Hope Floats))
...........
Saw a slew of the homies last night when I went out
It was great to see them
Time flies
I tell you
They were still cute (I know how to pick them hehe)
reminding of all the reasons why I fell for them in the first place
but that feeling quickly faded
a girl is trying to take two steps forward not 8 steps back
................
Gotta step the PCAT studying game all THEE way up.
...................
For a second I thought I was overreacting.
I thought I was being dramatic; making a big deal out of something.
But I don't think I am.
I'm in that space when something happens and it makes you question everything.

questioning my place in this game we call life.

I so want to go back to the way things were.

But maybe that's not how this story was supposed to continue

Things happen for a reason right?
I've been in my head/emotions/feelings all day today
I'm hoping with my whole heart this is just a sick and twisted episode of Punk'd
and Ashton will pop out from coat closet

trying to make sense of it all
and I've come up with nothing
acknowledging apologies along the way
not too sure where to put them
since they provide little comfort
no consolation
Not saying the apologies weren't genuine
but a bad decision still occurred
consequences
no regard was taken
none whatsoever
they say time heals all wounds
but they failed to mention
a time frame
I don't like curve balls
I don't like surprises
I don't like blatant disrespect
I like when people do the things that are asked of them
I told someone today if friendship was a points game that would've lost 10,000 points.
I'm sick of crying (be it tears of joy or anger)
I think I'm all dried up
I have nothing left
My emotions are frazzled
My eyes are tired
I am spent

i guess shit happens

I just wish it wasn't me

--mayda

Cabin Fever and other random ish

Cabin Fever is real! I've never been on my couch or inside in my apartment this long. This whole fractured foot thing is for the birds. I think I'm falling into a slight depression. -___- I've been looking at the same four walls. My day is focused on two things: icing my foot and keeping said foot elevated. My life is so exciting.

Because it's graduation weekend, everyone is trying to kick it. Sending me texts and tweets about the festivities. Don't they know I can't go?! And then they ask "You're done with finals. You don't have anything to do. Why can't you come kick it?" Just add salt to the wound!! How quickly people forget I'm a temporarily out the game! Please note: Once I'm back on my feet (literally) a celebration will be had.

Death to one word text messages. "K" <<<<< Texts you can keep to yourself. Something about that lone letter in my inbox just irritates me. 

The fact that I was on the phone for 2+ hours with one of my homegirl's warms my heart. Everyone needs to have that friend who is unintentionally funny. I enjoy those I can't breathe,tears rolling down my face, my cheeks hurt kind of laughing. 

I hope I never lose my phone. The texts that are sent and received....chile.....let's just say this: My friends are reckless in the most hilariously sincere way possible. An entire text conversation was had explaining how we would be good side chicks. Aye good points were made. ;-)

Some of my friends like to say I'm the craziest of the bunch. I beg to differ. I'm not saying that I'm not crazy. I just think the "crazy" is packaged differently. *Looks @ friends*  >>>>> 

Gotta love the male perspective. Shoutout to my besties JB and JWilson!! They are the truth.com and I love me some them. ;-) The fact that their names both start with a J is just hilarious to me. I'm easily entertained.

I spent the morning watching two of Dave Chappelle's comedy specials. He's hilarious! His bit about grape drink and what white people eat had me in tears! If you haven't noticed I love to laugh ;-) 

A Week in Review

Heeeeeey ;-) my MedChem exam was today and with a calm spirit I can say that I beasted it!! I couldn't tell if it was a hard exam that I prepared well for or just a manageable exam that I thought would be harder....does it matter?! It's oooover! <<< This was written before I knew my grade!!.....Soo apparently I actually did beast that exam ;-)
Expect a slew of posts in the comings days but here are few things I wanted to share first:

• Sometimes ignorance actually is bliss. There is such a thing as too much information, too fast because now I'm forced to change my preconceived notions quicker than I wanted to. *folds arms* In all seriousness I like getting to know people but "Sometimes, too much information too soon can f*ck sh*t up"
• Black men.Cargo shorts. Fitted V neck. Sperrys (or any other shoe) <<< *faints*
• A freshman pre-pharmacy student came to shadow at my pharmacy on Saturday. Needless to say, I'm stepping my game up.  Ambition meets Action.
• I've been that excited girl who does silly things. (the thirst is real and I will not be apart of it) He's all of these wonderful things (great resume and soft on the eyes) and I'm only mildly impressed. Just because we look good together (yeah I said it) doesn't mean we should be together. He's the homie....and for now that's where I want him to stay
• I had a fun day with friends (NO STUDYING) I think I deserved a little break. I'm old in the game. ((A fresh 23.Lol)) Talked with a lot of underclassmen today. The transformation is amazing. I've come so far. What was important during my freshman year would be cake to the things I deal with now. I love life but I would do it all again. 
• That awkward moment when you pay the potential boo thang (used loosely) more attention and go out of your way and they send one word responses in texts messages. -____- I almost responded to the text. But then I quickly got myself together. I'm a G and I do G things. Responding to ridiculousness is not one of them. 

Too much. Not Enough

• It's Week 3 of this glorious quarter. I wanna start it over again. I just need a few more hours in my day and I'm sure I could actually tackle my to-do list.
• Use your words or say nothing at all. Simple.
• There's a difference between being non-confrontational and not being able to confront people at all. I know where I fall. ((trust and believe))
• I need to put this on a shirt: Finish the deal or chalk it up. <<<this seems to be the theme of the season. I need everyone to hop on board.
• Thinking back on my years in undergrad....I would do it all again, in the same skin I'm in. Even the not so shiny, fun parts. It's amazing how the cookies crumble and sometimes come back together. ;-)
• Asset or liability: where do you fall?!
• She mentioned your name. I softened. I caught my breath in my throat. I guess there will always be a soft spot for what could've been. I have no problem admitting it. #noshame. However, I'm not acting on it. What's meant to be will be and what's not meant to be will be just that. #chalkedup ;-)
• I'm convinced some songs are written specifically for me and my situation like Mariah's Emancipation of MiMi album ((yes the whole album..Lol)) and Adele's Someone Like You and Turning  Tables. ((I may have to write an entire post about songs that  speak to my entire soul))
• I love this life. Sometimes I am absolutely spent. But what do I really have to complain about?! Exactly. It could be sooooo much worse. So glad its not!
• More sleep. More studying. Less eating. More flirting. More money. More drinks. More good times. Less drama. More exercise. More smiles. More memories. <<< I'm down 

Hating the player and the game

I went to a party last night. The pheromones were suffocating. Flirting was at an all time high. There were drinks. There was music. It was a good time ;-)

In the midst of all the choosing, I noticed many of the guys whispering sweet nothings in the ears of very attractive women. I'm all about flirting and interacting with the opposite sex at parties. I'm single. I have no promises to keep. I can boost a man's ego sell dreams at my leisure. No one gets hurt in the process. It's all fun and games. Here's the problem with the aforementioned scene, these attractive women weren't their girlfriends. As a person who enjoys a good flirtatious exchange, the conversation with these women is not the issue. For me the issue arises when two lives are being led; being in a relationship and being single are simultaneously at play. What is the point of having a girlfriend if you are going to actively pursue other women????? <<<< I just don't get it. These men can be single and sell dreams without breaking promises to the women they claim they care about. Is it the excitement of not getting caught? Is it because they want to always know that they can pull women no matter the circumstance? Is it because they recognize how great their girlfriends are and would rather not share them with other men? I can't call it. It is a phenomenon that I just can't wrap my head around. What is the point of putting in the work it takes to get and keep a girlfriend (dates, meeting friends&family, incorporating them into life decisions) if it all gets pushed to the wayside? The reason as to why these men do what they do may be linked to being able to have their cake and eat it too. They simply do it because they can. What the girlfriend doesn't know won't hurt her, right?! *eyeroll*

On paper these men are creme de la creme. They are top notch. It doesn't hurt that they are attractive. They have successful futures ahead of them. They also have the uncanny ability to use their words to make many women swoon. I completely understand why women would want to be in their presence. Their resumes are known and so are their relationship statuses.These men present themselves as upstanding gentlemen and future leaders in the proverbial community. But their dealings with women prove otherwise. Men aren't perfect. Neither are women. But I believe if you make a commitment to someone, keep it. Be present in the relationship. And if/when you don't want to, use your words and get out. Simple.

I'm not sure if the girlfriends know. If they do, what a shame. Wasting years with a man who refuses to fully commit. I would want to talk to them so that I could here the rationale. If they don't, what a shame. Wasting years with a man who refuses to commit. See what I did there?! Whether they know or not, it's still sad. *sigh*  Maybe one these men will stop chasing women and focus on the women they have? Or maybe they won't. I can't call it. *sigh* I don't have a solution, just a slew of observations.
But what I know for sure, it couldn't be me.
Let me rephrase, I hope and pray that I am never put in this situation.

Do I really want one: Boyfriend Edition

Relationships have been the talk of the town this week.
During Margarita Mondays
Text messages
GChat
Twitter
and late night conversations between friends.

Some want to be in them while others want nothing to do with them. Tonight I had two conversations with friends who have reached their breaking points in their respective relationships. Chile I'm spent. Knowing what we all know about relationships: we all still want to be in them.While observing my friend's failed relationships and my own flings, I have realized what not to do. I know what I'll tolerate and what I won't. However, with all that in mind I often wonder why I still want a significant other despite the drama it comes with. I think there is a fundamental want to be apart of something; to be the object of some one's affection; to know that someone is thinking of you. People simply want to feel wanted and special. But in order to achieve all of this a few concessions have to be made by both parties involved. I think we have forgotten the comings and goings between lovers will not always be covered in fairy dust. Problems will arise. But the question is: who will rise to the occasion when the relationship is crumbling?!
My friends are at a crossroad. During the end of the phone calls, I thought: I'm glad it's not me.
I say this because I'm really not in place right now where I want to consider someone else's feelings. <<<this sounded more selfish than I intended it to. My plate is already brimming with my own confusion, family, and friends. Now adding a guy and his baggage (we all have it....it's just about how we wear it) there's no room for it. But this is what I know for sure: I haven't met a guy that has prompted me to make room. *shrugs* Let the record show....I am not against b-friends. They are great. I expect to have one ....one day. However,For me...in this moment, relationships sound good in theory after a long day at work on Saturday when all I want to do is curl up on my couch. But in my reality, I just don't see it. That's no shade to any of the guys that are in my life now in some capacity. They are serve a purpose and the role of boyfriend is not one of them. I'm just a girl going along for the ride.

Life is crazy. sexy. cool. 

I'm not complaining. 

An update of sorts ;-)

today is graduation.
another graduation that is not my own.
((sigh))
I'm excited for my friends and their futures
as I lay the groundwork for mine.
It's a conflicting feel nonetheless
I was gonna say that I can't wait for my graduation
but my mother would quickly say,
"Don't rush time"
and she's right.
The end of my undergraduate career is getting closer.
I will enjoy every demanding minute of it. ((remind me of this when I'm knee deep in assignments))
................
Money can't buy happiness. <<<the person who said this never experienced being "the broke college student" I'm convinced my life would be better if I just had a little bit more money.
..........................
drunken nights with friends: dollar shots and a pomegranate  martini [$13 give or take]
realizing you didn't put your scarf on the night before [priceless]
.................
drama between friends is for the birds
I shall not be involved.
Friends, acquaintances, and boys....if you are not adding exponentially to my happiness quotient....then anticipate a speedy removal.  *shrugs*
Nothing in particular happened to spark the last statement. Lol. I just wanted to put it in writing. The weather is getting warmer and I anticipate recklessness.....I BET IT AINT ME>>>

An update of sorts

Excited girls really do silly things.
I was talking to one of my male friends last night about school and what not. But in the midst of that I just spilled my guts. (Apparently I have to talk about things in order to process things...*things we already knew*).  At the end of the conversation, K* said, "Don't sweat this" <<Simple, right? It clicked....I don't know how to NOT sweat it because there's got to be a reason. It just doesn't make sense. I was sappy (see previous post) now I'm annoyed. I'm currently staring in my own episode of He's Just Not that Into You. Am I invisible?! Can you see me?! Ignoring tweets though....oh okay! Did I do something?! ! I can't call it.  My batteries are drained. Dazed and confused.But I can't give this anymore energy. It was so much fun in my head. ;-)
Life comes as you fast.
Jay-Z said it best: on to the next one *nods head in agreement*
No more sappy posts.
I'm soooooooo incredibly over all of these emotions and sh*t.
............................
on another note, my friend reasoned that we loved the same love song because we are ready to give our hearts away. Chile....
My response: Too deep for the intro ( a J. Cole song) .It was too deep and too on point for the moment. I refused to entertain it.
But I think she's right. Is this something that I wear on my sleeve?! Can this be picked up on?!

Once again I can't call it and I'm not gonna worry about it ;-) 

................................

It's Week 10. It's crunch time. I'm behind in my classes.....why?! Life happened. I had two quizzes, two exams, and an annotated bibliography due last week. I'm pooped. Now this week I have to start two research papers, catch up on Biochem, and study for my final that is on Wednesday. O_o I know in the end it will all come together. It always does.

Have you talked to him?!

Have you talked to him?!

 The answer is either yes, no, or kinda. (Kinda: We tweeted each other that one time or he commented on my status.) Recently, I have come to dread this question! Why?! Because I have don't have a cute anecdote to share. (I know that sounds silly. I felt silly when I wrote it. But it's true). I have no updates in the boy department. *deep dramatic sigh* There are days when this realization is welcomed. No boys=No Drama. But what this little equation leaves out is feelings. The ones that we (I) have desperately tried to let go of. The ones we don't want to admit we (still) have. The ones that arise when your friends ask, "Have you talked to him?!"
 Feelings....They take up so much of my thought space.
I want to share them. Yes I know, that slight brush of an arm should have been clear enough but sometimes words are necessary. I'm not a mind-reader and neither are the guys that are the object of my affection.
As I much as I detest that question, I pose it to my friends all the times. (Funny how that works).

Maybe sometime soon, I'll have a new story or two for my friends, until then I'll try to tip toe around the question. In other words, I will attempt to fan away those pesky feelings.

The List That Never Ends.

These to do lists I've been making have been epic.

Too long to fathom and yet I continue to write them, always mumbling that today will be the day I cross everything off....

Even I don't believe me.

These lists keep me organized, give me comfort, and my make head hurt. O_o

I gotta keep writing them. It's only right.

Life these days is pretty uneventful. I kinda like it. But then in those quiet moments, I'm desperate for something to happen, screaming for other voices to fill my thoughts besides my own, and wanting more than what I'm getting. ((deep sigh))

But there are assignments to be completed, dishes to

be washed, texts/phone to be returned, and a laundry list of other things to do. [see what I did there?]

During our educational journey, we are told that anything other than classes, powerpoints, or exams are a distraction. To some degree, I understand. HOWEVER, a distraction or two never hurt anyone.

Right?

Right?

This is the kind of distraction I would fully support, sign up for, and participate in.

Tall, handsome, intelligent, has a way with words, and a food lover

However this pretty much sums up my distractions>>>> "Eff not having an cute boy to be interested in. Ugh".--Little Miss Sunshine

Three's a crowd.

***Last night I went out for my friend's birthday 22nd birthday and her goal of the night was to get shwasted. Goal was met. But I'm pretty sure she won't be drinking alcohol again for at least six months. Oops. Lol***

During this birthday celebration we met a lot of guys. However some of them were..? How can I put this nicely?.....they left nothing to be desired. I could smell their insecurity. It was overwhelming.

Insecurity was the third wheel and I didn't like it all. Why are you talking to me even though you've expressed interest in talking to one of my friends?? More importantly why are you sprinkling comments about how beautiful my smile is throughout the conversation while again wanting to talk to my friend??? Sir I don't wantchu and neither does my friend. I am not a middle man. The same guy asked if my other friend was stuck up. Just because a girl is not paying you any attention does not mean she's stuck up. She doesn't want to be bothered with your insecure behind. I was sooo drained.

The only thing worse than a man without self esteem is what I like to call "the thirstbucket" Being persistant and being thirsty are two different things. If I say, I'm not kicking it because my drunk friend needs my attention and you still proceed to get in where you fit in......

GIFSoup

.....chile please. ((Please note: after a message or two back forth, he finally got the picture. Lol))

An insecure man is something I can't condone and/or support.

New Years Eve :)

....no resolutions this year but that doesn't quite mean I don't want to make any changes. It's New Years Eve and it feels like just another day to me *shrugs*

Any who,

2010 was an interesting year to say the least. I learned so much about myself and even more about the people that were in my life at the time. Each of them served their purpose and in the end looking back on it

*there was a lesson to be learned

Mistakes were made. At times, I knowingly did things that probably weren't a good idea. But then again..... "A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones."

2010 was something else I tell you. My friends graduated leaving me behind as I finished my undergraduate career, boys came and went, most of my life was spent in the confines of SEL, new friends were made, there were tears and moments of despair

but I can honestly say that laughter and prayer outweighed it all :)

So 2010 I bid adieu. *raises glass*

2011, I welcome you with an open heart and open spirit

Blah, Blah, Blah

I have always prided myself on my honesty, loyalty, and consistency when it comes to my friendships. I learned from a very young age that your friends are not always going to be the friend you are to them to you. (does that make sense? I said it soo awkwardly *shrug*)

I was gonna write this whole post about friendships and how like relationships they take work blah blah but I decided not to.

No longer wanting to stand atop my friendship soap box....I'll say this:

Friendships take work.

See what I did there?

Yeezy taught me :)

[listen to Blame Game to understand the Ye reference]