so there's this guy....

It's amazing how differently life looks when you like someone.

I'm convinced the blues are bluer.

I analyze every text message
Every conversation
Every movement.

Slowly but surely

driving myself crazy. 

Not gonna lie,
He made me like Jill Scott
more.
*cues Cross My Mind*

He wants to read my poetry. 

Should I write him a poem?

With every interaction, I hope that I didn't mess it up. Who I be?!?!
As frustrating as liking a guy can be [the place where questions and insecurities collide] I wouldn't change a thing.
I enjoy him.

I'm just gonna ride this thang on out....

My Presence is a Present

Everyday brings a lesson

I'm learning

I'm living

Counting down the days

As much as I am looking forward to graduating and what not, I want to enjoy these moments. Can I be present and future oriented at the same time????????! 

Balance is key and nowhere to be found

I want to be present

I wanna ride the waves of the newness and not succumb to the questions

questions that leave me more confused that I was to begin with

questions that I don't have the answers too

As of late, I have been given glimpses of the life I want

Once given a taste, I want it all.

I keep saying this, 

LIFE BE HAPPENING

Im just a girl along for the ride 

la la land and around the mulberry bush....

These past few days have been something to say the least.
I realize that I applied to a few out of state schools
but I don't think I actually thought about the the possibility of moving.
Chile.
life be happening.
______________________________________________
Not gonna lie, I'm kinda in la la land. ;-)
But........

Maybe its all in my head.

You tell your friends about a new guy and they are all "Im so excited you're excited, I'm so happy for you, this is good for you, this is so cute, Thank God he isn't greek, he could be the one, don't block your blessing, at least one of us needs to get a boyfriend, I hope this works out for you, when's the second date...."
First of all, I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that my bestie told me I drop the ball when it comes to men. She said that my "I don't care" attitude comes off as not interested when the guy has shown interest. SAY WHAT??! I didn't know I had an "idgaf" attitude. I do care. I do care. I do care. She said that I don't express interest soon enough. <<< Friends will get you all thee way together, won't they?
....then dinner happened.

As I attempt to normalize an event that isn't quite so normal for my life.....
My own insecurities compounded with the excitement/comments/questions/concerns of my friends isn't a good look.
In other aspects of my life, I'm miss know it all. I pretty much have an answer for errything. That's what my mama would say ;-)
But when it comes to guys.....I'm not so sure. I'm not miss know it all. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments.  I be pullin'em.
I'm a little freaked out.
I feel a little out of sorts.
Hmmm
I feel like I'm rambling....
insecurities ain't sh*t.

and the text said.....

A few days ago, I got a picture message from a friend in his graduation glory from his masters program. He told me about his plans to move to Georgia for his new job.
Me: Fancy :-)
Him: Prepping for my wife (you) Lol
Me: Where in Georgia will you (we) be living?
The rest of those details are irrelevant.

*Please note: my response sans an "LOL"....yall just sit with that*

 Lemme go ahead and purchase that webcam so I can skype my boo in Georgia skype my girls to discuss.



Today's text from my bestie:
"Can I just get a man? Lol. Like I need a sign from God. Anything? Okay I'm done"

....that's all I'm saying.




Was my sign already shown to me?
*Looks at God*

Where You Be At?!

"I've been dating since I was 15. I'm exhausted.  Where is he?"

Someone decided to fall asleep while watching Sex and The City last night *points at self*......
Charlotte's question is so real. I'm only 23 and I often wonder where my intended is?
I'm really not in any rush to be married and what not.
But I just want to know: Who he be?
What is he doing? Where is he? Do I already know him?
Is he gonna be better than my mama's collard greens and cornbread?
[Yall can thank Fantasia for that poetry]
Will he appreciate my love for everything Beyonce?
Will I appreciate his idiosyncrasies?
So many questions,
 no answers.
Since my husband won't be revealed to me,
what about my man-friend? (Still trying to see if that feels right....boyfriend, the boy, the beaux.....)
Where he be?
The thirst is real.
Perhaps, its the idea of a significant other that excites me?
Because who knows, I might get one and be ready to unload him.
Lol
Do I need a man?
*goes to Twitter*
RT @WisdomisMisery Hmmm, Steve asked: Do you feel uncomfortable admitting you need a man? Do you feel you need a man? (Feel free to respond ladies).
RT @WildCougConfess @WisdomisMisery I need a staff of men its just better that way << LMAO
*and we're back.....*
Nah! I don't need one.
I just would like to share my time, energy, and cuteness with someone other than my friends.
Plain and simple.
No shade to them.
But I'm currently drowning in estrogen

Sooo utterly unimpressed with my lack of options.
I'm winter time cold without a winter time boo. See what I did there?
In the meantime, I will continue to cuddle up with my books, highlighters, index cards and the rest of my school supplies.
They get me.
Been around since preschool circa 1991
Consistency is key.

More or Less.

I so desperately wanted for him to see in me what I saw in him.
Here was this guy who was the complete opposite

He was spontaneous

I'm not spontaneous. I'm a lover of schedules.

He loves nature and enjoys taking nature walks

I'd rather watch paint dry.

He always finds himself as the center of attention

I enjoy attention like the next girl but he thrives on it. 

You ever meet someone and from there on out, you just want to be around them in some capacity?! no.stalker.

I wanted my cake. I wanted to eat my cake. I wanted to drink milk with my cake.

I wanted to live in that space

where I could simultaneously be his friend and then some. 

homie.lover.friend.no girlfriend

He was a cool dude who was also soft on the eyes and kissed like there was no tomorrow

But tomorrow showed up on more than one occasion

the communication dwindled

and with most things

life went on....

We saw each other here and there

each interaction

more awkward than the last

.................................................................

I saw him recently

his eyes lit up when we crossed paths. 

he has this ability of making you feel like you're the only one in the room

for a moment I reveled in that moment

which was reminiscent of the beginnings of our "friendship"

..............................................................

Then a few nights ago he had a realization about his past interactions with women that I saw via his twitters. Twitter tells all.

Here I was thinking it was my fault.....something that I had done that changed the game.
I couldn't call it

But it was him....

At some point, along the way, he changed the rules

Leaving us women out to dry
Only to realize
it could have been handle better

I swallowed deep and texted the bestie. 

Her response: "I feel like all men who at their core are worth something but have been playing have this moment"

I think she's onto something. 

I wanna love like.....

His name is Marty.
He touched my heart today.
He told me stories of his wife.

"Her biggest mistake in life was marrying a guy like me. Next week is our anniversary. We've been married for 58 years. The family and I are taking her to Cameron Mitchell. My girl deserves the best"

His wife's health is slowly deteriorating. She's been bed ridden for a year. But the way his eye's lit up when he shared stories about her was priceless. There was a compassion behind his eyes that brought me to tears. (I am a softie. In the middle of the pharmacy, trying to type in scripts, while holding back tears. #talent. I had to excuse myself to the restroom in order to pull myself together.)

Marty is a shuffling, old pharmacist who can talk until the cows come home Bless his whole heart. 

Unlike my other co-workers, I asked Marty questions and listened intently.

I've learned that sometimes a person just needs to talk to a complete stranger

Divulging secrets, wishes, mistakes,happiness

to a person that they will most likely never see again

You probably wouldn't believe how many times I've been at the Krogers or the Walmarts

and people just start talking to me

telling me things 

sometimes about them

or even things about me

(Don't get me wrong, all persons who approach get the *side eye or blankstare* at first)

I know that something greater is at work

Although tonight was hectic, I'm glad I met Marty. He definitely made an impression. 

One day I'm gonna be that old lady that talks a lot but means well

I hope when I'm his age and talk about my younger days that somebody will listen

FIFTY EIGHT YEARS.....people don't stay married for that long anymore. nowadays

I've never be in love

but if Marty's  compassion is what love is all about

I want to taste it and live it

It's the little things.

He doesn't remember much about the first time we met. He doesn't remember the way he looked at me or the hilarious nonsense that was said. He only remembers my purple shirt. A purple tank top from Target. I wore that shirt today. I couldn't help but smile. ;-)

Le Sigh

I've posted this lyric before but tonight, at 1:20 am, it spoke to me again. *shrugs*

Aint got a

love to call steady,

hope it aint like that

for long.......

--drake

Drunk on memories

"only in those quiet moments do I think of you
your smile
hugs that seemed to last an eternity
memory lane is where I reside
I feel as though I've been here before
writing about what may have been
reveling in what was
dizzy with confusion and hope
always in the hands of hope
but in this moment
time only knows
what the future will hold"

.....it's Valentine's Day. I was feeling sappy, soft, and hormonal. #PMS

Valentine's Day has never meant that much to me in terms of having a male to spend it with. Well, frankly, there was never a boy to spend it with. Year after year, I celebrated with my girls. This year is no different. She and I will be making dinner, baking cookies, and watching sappy love movies. *grabs Klee-nex* . Honestly, I wouldn't want it another way. If this day is all about spending it with someone you care about, why not spend it with my friend of 4 years [seems longer than that. Lol] Friendships take as much work as relationships. So at this point, she is as close as I'm getting to a boyfriend on Valentine's Day. She'll do. Lol.

As I browsed Facebook and Twitter, people were either upset or all for Valentine's Day. For some, it's the day when their significant other does something super cute and sweet. For others, it was another day to bash the opposite sex. If I were in a relationship, yes I would want the boy and I to do something disgustingly cute too. However, a random day in February is not going to cut it. I'm a just because kind of girl. Let's do something because we want to celebrate our relationship not because that's what is supposed to happen on February 14th. I also understand the bashing that occurs. All this sappiness could make someone jump off a cliff. Sometimes being bitter is all of the emotion people can muster up.

So have a Happy Valentime's Day :D [[why this is mispronounced every year drains my entire life]]

Random Rumblings #2

I think about you all the time.

I'm beginning to feel a little silly doing so.

Why?

Not really sure if you're thinking about me.

*looks around the room*

Yes I said it

I'm not sure

and

I so want to be

Well I think I want to be....

Confusion offers no answers

Maybe someday soon

you will

or maybe you won't

I can't call it

But either way

I'll be okay

I'll just reminisce

about your side smile

that I always thought was

only for me ;-)

It really is that simple

there are times when I think I see you

each time

my breath escapes me

my heart stops

time slows down

[insert dramatic kissing scene from The Notebook]

....insert melodrama.

Honestly, sometimes this whole having a crush or liking someone is so full of theatrics I don't know where to turn; like a maze I can't get out of [not that I'm actually doing anything to get out of it....] but i digress......

The ups and downs that emerge when the opposite sex collide is straight out of a Lifetime movie. (Well minus the low budget, straight to DVD feel. Lol) Liking someone is full of incoherent text messages to friends, butterflies, and wall slides. All of which I've experienced time and time again.

Each time I ask myself, "Why am I putting myself through this....Why am I hoping for hope?"

And to that I remind myself how silently excited I get when someone mentions your name, how your mere presence makes my heart flutter, and how differently my name sounds coming from your lips. [if this isn't that sappy nonsense that warrants an eye-roll, I don't know what is! But sometimes it be's like that.....]

....it's the simple things in life that keep me coming back for more.

.....*takes a bow* end scene

I am the Void Filler

Like a crescent moon cradling the night sky

I find myself wrapped in your arms

no space between us

I am the void filler

momentarily covering that hole

in your heart

the one you won't admit is still there

crawling hands cry for me

when I'm not close to you

I am the void filler

giving you my body when

you need something to hold on to

not wanting to widen a space that's already there

*inspired by>>>>*http://darnellwalker.wordpress.com/2011/01/13/the-void-filler-noise/ #homage.

Silent Nights (5 of 10)

something happens when the lights go off

close

deliberate

firm

was the way he held her at night

without words

these were the moments she loved

wrapped in his arms

safe

protected

she taught him how to love

and he taught her how to receive it

unconditionally

two damaged hearts

trying to make it work

he didn't want to admit it

but at times he wanted her to come to his rescue

they had come this far

heart open

vulnerable

in those quiet moments

thinking he was asleep

she wrapped herself around him

close

deliberate

firm

he knew

that

she knew

love fell into his heart

Say My Name (3 of 10)

*inspired by RihRih's song with Drake and Stuttering by Jazmine Sullivan :)

He made me smile that day

it was simply

the way he said

my name

from his mouth

to my ear

stopped my world

see my name was different

in between his lips

causing all thoughts

to vanish

time hung in the balance

holding my name in the air

unable to say anything back

all I could do was smile

he took my words away

simply by the way he

said my name

Tale of Two Crushes

The guy I like is unavailable.

I haven't talked to him in months

....as I write this it sounds as if its one of those I like him/he doesn't like me kind of thing. Don't worry it's not. :)

The other guy I like is an a*hole whose life is always at a crossroads. Apparently, life is hard.

On the flip side, a guy at my job has expressed interest and I'm not really impressed.

• He doesn't have a phone or a car. But he does have a son....*blankstare*

He wants to take me on a lunch date. (how is he gonna get there? how is he gonna tell me he's running late? #questions) Here's the thing: the guy that has expressed interest doesn't do it for me. Don't get me wrong, the kid has a smile that is to die for. (melts) But that's where it begins and ends. I told him that I wasn't looking for a relationship (Lies told on FB) which is something that he is looking for. I don't know what to do about him.

But I digress, the point of the post is: why do we (me + other women) pine away after guys who are "unavailable" for whatever reason but are quick to throw a blankstare at the guy who is present?? #dilemmas

I should be excited about about the guy at my job right? He's told me he's liked me. He's commented on my beauty. He wants to take me out to a place where there are witnesses. My breath doesn't escape when I see him. The butterflies don't move. My knees aren't weak. <---this is how I know that I don't like, like him. But the mere mention of the two aforementioned guys....((deep sigh))

What's a girl to do??!