Are you there God? It's Me, *Ta.

---If you did not get that Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret?  (Judy Bloom) reference, I'm not sure if our friendship can continue. I loved this book when I read it as a middle schooler :-)---

I asked God to put my future man-friend's husband's  name on a post it during one of our nightly conversations.
.I promised I wouldn't frantically search for him on the internets. I would do nothing with the information besides see what it felt like to say his name. The Lord knows my heart. Needless to say, God never presented me with the post it note of my dreams.

I prayed for love last night.

More or Less.

I so desperately wanted for him to see in me what I saw in him.
Here was this guy who was the complete opposite

He was spontaneous

I'm not spontaneous. I'm a lover of schedules.

He loves nature and enjoys taking nature walks

I'd rather watch paint dry.

He always finds himself as the center of attention

I enjoy attention like the next girl but he thrives on it. 

You ever meet someone and from there on out, you just want to be around them in some capacity?! no.stalker.

I wanted my cake. I wanted to eat my cake. I wanted to drink milk with my cake.

I wanted to live in that space

where I could simultaneously be his friend and then some. 

homie.lover.friend.no girlfriend

He was a cool dude who was also soft on the eyes and kissed like there was no tomorrow

But tomorrow showed up on more than one occasion

the communication dwindled

and with most things

life went on....

We saw each other here and there

each interaction

more awkward than the last

.................................................................

I saw him recently

his eyes lit up when we crossed paths. 

he has this ability of making you feel like you're the only one in the room

for a moment I reveled in that moment

which was reminiscent of the beginnings of our "friendship"

..............................................................

Then a few nights ago he had a realization about his past interactions with women that I saw via his twitters. Twitter tells all.

Here I was thinking it was my fault.....something that I had done that changed the game.
I couldn't call it

But it was him....

At some point, along the way, he changed the rules

Leaving us women out to dry
Only to realize
it could have been handle better

I swallowed deep and texted the bestie. 

Her response: "I feel like all men who at their core are worth something but have been playing have this moment"

I think she's onto something. 

It's the little things.

He doesn't remember much about the first time we met. He doesn't remember the way he looked at me or the hilarious nonsense that was said. He only remembers my purple shirt. A purple tank top from Target. I wore that shirt today. I couldn't help but smile. ;-)

Atypical Communication

"Soo how was your day?!" It was a simple question. He asked me about my day. This isn't one of those he asked and actually listened post's. It's gonna be he asked but never asks kind of post.
Let me explain. This guy and I have a "different" type of communication. When we see  each other  or text we don't ask each other about our days. The conversations are random, trivial at best. We just talk. It sounds crazy, I know.  It sounds like something I wouldn't want to do. But he's tall with a good back. Sometimes a girl has to make sacrifices.   I kid. ;-) We like each other. But that whole talking to each other about our days and sh*t just isn't what we do.
Cut to a few weeks ago: we're texting per usual and he says he wants to see me. Nothing new here. He goes on to offer to pick me up from campus. (Sign #1 that something was off...he's never offered his vehicle O_o) The crazier thing is I accepted the offer ( Sign #2 .....I was studying in between classes. I'm serious about my studying. Lol). He picks me up, I get in the car, say hi and what not. He hits me with, "Soo  how was your day?"


GIFSoup

I just knew I was being punked. But Ashton and the camera crew never showed up. Long story short, we talked about not so trivial things. I was all types of taken aback. Needless to say, I appreciate his predictability so much so when he veered left when I was expecting him to veer right...I didn't know how to react.
.....These are the moments when my life is just so random and full of surprises. These boys are acting brand new. I blame the sunshine and the ability to now play basketball outside. (I wrote that last sentence with so much sincerity).  

They are keeping this part time emotionally thugnificent woman on her toes. 

A Week in Review

Heeeeeey ;-) my MedChem exam was today and with a calm spirit I can say that I beasted it!! I couldn't tell if it was a hard exam that I prepared well for or just a manageable exam that I thought would be harder....does it matter?! It's oooover! <<< This was written before I knew my grade!!.....Soo apparently I actually did beast that exam ;-)
Expect a slew of posts in the comings days but here are few things I wanted to share first:

• Sometimes ignorance actually is bliss. There is such a thing as too much information, too fast because now I'm forced to change my preconceived notions quicker than I wanted to. *folds arms* In all seriousness I like getting to know people but "Sometimes, too much information too soon can f*ck sh*t up"
• Black men.Cargo shorts. Fitted V neck. Sperrys (or any other shoe) <<< *faints*
• A freshman pre-pharmacy student came to shadow at my pharmacy on Saturday. Needless to say, I'm stepping my game up.  Ambition meets Action.
• I've been that excited girl who does silly things. (the thirst is real and I will not be apart of it) He's all of these wonderful things (great resume and soft on the eyes) and I'm only mildly impressed. Just because we look good together (yeah I said it) doesn't mean we should be together. He's the homie....and for now that's where I want him to stay
• I had a fun day with friends (NO STUDYING) I think I deserved a little break. I'm old in the game. ((A fresh 23.Lol)) Talked with a lot of underclassmen today. The transformation is amazing. I've come so far. What was important during my freshman year would be cake to the things I deal with now. I love life but I would do it all again. 
• That awkward moment when you pay the potential boo thang (used loosely) more attention and go out of your way and they send one word responses in texts messages. -____- I almost responded to the text. But then I quickly got myself together. I'm a G and I do G things. Responding to ridiculousness is not one of them. 

Songs. Emotions. Tears. Smiles

The moment when you hear a song and every single word perfectly describes your situation.

I love listening to music. I love making playlists. I love downloading new music. I pretty much have a close relationship with  my itunes. :-) But there are those moments when my itunes blesses my ears with the exact song that I need to hear. The song that stops me in my tracks. The song that speaks to my heart. The song that was written specifically for me. (I'm convinced these songs are special. Call me crazy. Call me psycho)....I wanted to share some of those songs ;-)

• Turning Tables| Adele--She will have you in the middle of floor in tears. This is such an emotional song. The piano playing in the beginning is just great! I wanna learn it!
• Casualty of Love|Jessie J--Her voice surprised me. I listen to this at least 4 times a day. Maybe because I've never been in love before. Maybe because I know heartbreak is inevitable. 
• Can I|Tank--Chile....Tank will have you scrolling through you phone texting/calling people you don't need to be contacting. #guilty 
• Can't Get Enough and Officially Missing You|Tamia--These are songs that I listen to everyday. They speak to different emotions and wants. 
• Emancipation of MiMi--Yes. The. Entire. Album. 
• Selah,I Gotta Find Peace of Mind,& Lose Myself|Lauryn Hill--I was at a low point in my life and these songs knew my heart. 
• Heaven|Jamie Foxx---Besides loving the lyrics... the piano accompaniment is the business. 
• Stutteriing|Jasmine Sullivan--This was the song that defined my crush. Chile
• Someone Like You|Adele-- "I hoped you see my face and that you be reminded that for me it isn't over"  >>>>> *wall slide*
• Better Together|Jack Johnson---I thank my yoga instructor, Carrie, for introducing this song to me. She danced to this at her wedding. ;-)
• Banana Pancakes|Jack Johnson--Lazy Sundays with the boy. Yuup that's what I imagine when I listen to this. 
• Hello|Beyonce---I vividly remembering pulling over in my car in order to sing this song loudly in my car. 
• Me, Myself, and I|Beyonce--I was listening to this song while running outside. {running to clear my head of a boy I'm sure} and it started raining. <<--right out of somebody's script. 
• Closer|Goapele---This song has gotten me through many a finals week. 
• I Like|Guy--I believe in crushes. Sue me. 
• Beautiful Surprise |India.Arie---I have a love/like relationship with her. I don't always like her music but this song was everything I needed it to be. 
• R U 4Real|Teedra Moses---My mom called once when I was listening to this. I paused it. After the conversation I listened to it on repeat.
• It's All Coming Back to Me Now|Celine Dion---Celine saaaaang on this song! I know all the words and always attempt to sing along with the same emotion as Celine. Eyes closed. Vibing. 

 Enjoy!

Hating the player and the game

I went to a party last night. The pheromones were suffocating. Flirting was at an all time high. There were drinks. There was music. It was a good time ;-)

In the midst of all the choosing, I noticed many of the guys whispering sweet nothings in the ears of very attractive women. I'm all about flirting and interacting with the opposite sex at parties. I'm single. I have no promises to keep. I can boost a man's ego sell dreams at my leisure. No one gets hurt in the process. It's all fun and games. Here's the problem with the aforementioned scene, these attractive women weren't their girlfriends. As a person who enjoys a good flirtatious exchange, the conversation with these women is not the issue. For me the issue arises when two lives are being led; being in a relationship and being single are simultaneously at play. What is the point of having a girlfriend if you are going to actively pursue other women????? <<<< I just don't get it. These men can be single and sell dreams without breaking promises to the women they claim they care about. Is it the excitement of not getting caught? Is it because they want to always know that they can pull women no matter the circumstance? Is it because they recognize how great their girlfriends are and would rather not share them with other men? I can't call it. It is a phenomenon that I just can't wrap my head around. What is the point of putting in the work it takes to get and keep a girlfriend (dates, meeting friends&family, incorporating them into life decisions) if it all gets pushed to the wayside? The reason as to why these men do what they do may be linked to being able to have their cake and eat it too. They simply do it because they can. What the girlfriend doesn't know won't hurt her, right?! *eyeroll*

On paper these men are creme de la creme. They are top notch. It doesn't hurt that they are attractive. They have successful futures ahead of them. They also have the uncanny ability to use their words to make many women swoon. I completely understand why women would want to be in their presence. Their resumes are known and so are their relationship statuses.These men present themselves as upstanding gentlemen and future leaders in the proverbial community. But their dealings with women prove otherwise. Men aren't perfect. Neither are women. But I believe if you make a commitment to someone, keep it. Be present in the relationship. And if/when you don't want to, use your words and get out. Simple.

I'm not sure if the girlfriends know. If they do, what a shame. Wasting years with a man who refuses to fully commit. I would want to talk to them so that I could here the rationale. If they don't, what a shame. Wasting years with a man who refuses to commit. See what I did there?! Whether they know or not, it's still sad. *sigh*  Maybe one these men will stop chasing women and focus on the women they have? Or maybe they won't. I can't call it. *sigh* I don't have a solution, just a slew of observations.
But what I know for sure, it couldn't be me.
Let me rephrase, I hope and pray that I am never put in this situation.

Do I really want one: Boyfriend Edition

Relationships have been the talk of the town this week.
During Margarita Mondays
Text messages
GChat
Twitter
and late night conversations between friends.

Some want to be in them while others want nothing to do with them. Tonight I had two conversations with friends who have reached their breaking points in their respective relationships. Chile I'm spent. Knowing what we all know about relationships: we all still want to be in them.While observing my friend's failed relationships and my own flings, I have realized what not to do. I know what I'll tolerate and what I won't. However, with all that in mind I often wonder why I still want a significant other despite the drama it comes with. I think there is a fundamental want to be apart of something; to be the object of some one's affection; to know that someone is thinking of you. People simply want to feel wanted and special. But in order to achieve all of this a few concessions have to be made by both parties involved. I think we have forgotten the comings and goings between lovers will not always be covered in fairy dust. Problems will arise. But the question is: who will rise to the occasion when the relationship is crumbling?!
My friends are at a crossroad. During the end of the phone calls, I thought: I'm glad it's not me.
I say this because I'm really not in place right now where I want to consider someone else's feelings. <<<this sounded more selfish than I intended it to. My plate is already brimming with my own confusion, family, and friends. Now adding a guy and his baggage (we all have it....it's just about how we wear it) there's no room for it. But this is what I know for sure: I haven't met a guy that has prompted me to make room. *shrugs* Let the record show....I am not against b-friends. They are great. I expect to have one ....one day. However,For me...in this moment, relationships sound good in theory after a long day at work on Saturday when all I want to do is curl up on my couch. But in my reality, I just don't see it. That's no shade to any of the guys that are in my life now in some capacity. They are serve a purpose and the role of boyfriend is not one of them. I'm just a girl going along for the ride.

Life is crazy. sexy. cool. 

I'm not complaining. 

An update of sorts ;-)

today is graduation.
another graduation that is not my own.
((sigh))
I'm excited for my friends and their futures
as I lay the groundwork for mine.
It's a conflicting feel nonetheless
I was gonna say that I can't wait for my graduation
but my mother would quickly say,
"Don't rush time"
and she's right.
The end of my undergraduate career is getting closer.
I will enjoy every demanding minute of it. ((remind me of this when I'm knee deep in assignments))
................
Money can't buy happiness. <<<the person who said this never experienced being "the broke college student" I'm convinced my life would be better if I just had a little bit more money.
..........................
drunken nights with friends: dollar shots and a pomegranate  martini [$13 give or take]
realizing you didn't put your scarf on the night before [priceless]
.................
drama between friends is for the birds
I shall not be involved.
Friends, acquaintances, and boys....if you are not adding exponentially to my happiness quotient....then anticipate a speedy removal.  *shrugs*
Nothing in particular happened to spark the last statement. Lol. I just wanted to put it in writing. The weather is getting warmer and I anticipate recklessness.....I BET IT AINT ME>>>

An update of sorts

Excited girls really do silly things.
I was talking to one of my male friends last night about school and what not. But in the midst of that I just spilled my guts. (Apparently I have to talk about things in order to process things...*things we already knew*).  At the end of the conversation, K* said, "Don't sweat this" <<Simple, right? It clicked....I don't know how to NOT sweat it because there's got to be a reason. It just doesn't make sense. I was sappy (see previous post) now I'm annoyed. I'm currently staring in my own episode of He's Just Not that Into You. Am I invisible?! Can you see me?! Ignoring tweets though....oh okay! Did I do something?! ! I can't call it.  My batteries are drained. Dazed and confused.But I can't give this anymore energy. It was so much fun in my head. ;-)
Life comes as you fast.
Jay-Z said it best: on to the next one *nods head in agreement*
No more sappy posts.
I'm soooooooo incredibly over all of these emotions and sh*t.
............................
on another note, my friend reasoned that we loved the same love song because we are ready to give our hearts away. Chile....
My response: Too deep for the intro ( a J. Cole song) .It was too deep and too on point for the moment. I refused to entertain it.
But I think she's right. Is this something that I wear on my sleeve?! Can this be picked up on?!

Once again I can't call it and I'm not gonna worry about it ;-) 

................................

It's Week 10. It's crunch time. I'm behind in my classes.....why?! Life happened. I had two quizzes, two exams, and an annotated bibliography due last week. I'm pooped. Now this week I have to start two research papers, catch up on Biochem, and study for my final that is on Wednesday. O_o I know in the end it will all come together. It always does.

Temporary Insanity.

.........................................
 I am beside myself
I have become that girl
opening myself up to a worry
I have not known before
leaning on friends
but feeling silly doing so
but a school girl crush
is an out of body experience
everything I have ever known
is hanging in the balance
allowing the mellow drama
to descend upon me
Aaaaahhhhh
But then I remember the plan
I have prepared for it all
the plan may include him
it may not
a school girl crush
is nothing to play with
I think for now
I will plead
temporary insanity
it's the only thing that makes
sense.

Somewhere in the Middle

I find myself reading this quote all the time lately:

"Oh, these roaring twenties. I have some wonderful and beautiful newness in a few places in my life, so I promise you that complaining is not all that I have to do. I just got the blues today. Holler if you hear me."

Sometimes this life is heavy on my shoulders! There are times I just wanna scream and then fall into a pool of my own tears. Life is hard. But then my mom calls me and reminds me what an amazing woman I am. Then everything becomes a little bit more manageable. Sometimes you have to be reminded that you are capable of the greatest things.

Can we talk about the newness?! It's so new I've offered one of my friends only the minimum details. Why?! Well when you tell people things, they ask you follow up questions during future conversations. They hold you accountable to these details because they want to know more. Right now, I'm not ready for all of that. I'm sitting on the edge of the proverbial pool, feet in the water, testing the temperature. Not quite ready to dive in yet. But the water feels nice so far. 

My friends are making moves.  One is moving to Miami. The others are graduating and going to their respective graduate schools. I am so happy for them ;-) There are moments when I want my last few quarters to go by quickly. The days seem to be dragging. As they talk about all the new decisions that must be made, that quickly changes. It's funny how time works. You spend your adolescent years wanting to get to college. You get to college and would give anything to go back to the days when the hardest,life altering decision was picking out a Homecoming dress.
Operation Look Better Naked has been derailed once again. When exams are near, I turn my time upside down only to accommodate studying. Eat.Study.Sleep. Everything else like laundry, working out, and my other classes get knocked off the list. I really need to stop doing that!

My life is wonderfully blessed, except for the fact that my thighs still rub together. ;-)

Le Sigh

I've posted this lyric before but tonight, at 1:20 am, it spoke to me again. *shrugs*

Aint got a

love to call steady,

hope it aint like that

for long.......

--drake

Random Rumblings #2

I think about you all the time.

I'm beginning to feel a little silly doing so.

Why?

Not really sure if you're thinking about me.

*looks around the room*

Yes I said it

I'm not sure

and

I so want to be

Well I think I want to be....

Confusion offers no answers

Maybe someday soon

you will

or maybe you won't

I can't call it

But either way

I'll be okay

I'll just reminisce

about your side smile

that I always thought was

only for me ;-)

A Night of Revelations

He said he can't stop thinking about her.

For a split second

I wanted the her to be me

But I will never be [her]

He and I will never be an us.

.....and I'm okay with that.

The List That Never Ends.

These to do lists I've been making have been epic.

Too long to fathom and yet I continue to write them, always mumbling that today will be the day I cross everything off....

Even I don't believe me.

These lists keep me organized, give me comfort, and my make head hurt. O_o

I gotta keep writing them. It's only right.

Life these days is pretty uneventful. I kinda like it. But then in those quiet moments, I'm desperate for something to happen, screaming for other voices to fill my thoughts besides my own, and wanting more than what I'm getting. ((deep sigh))

But there are assignments to be completed, dishes to

be washed, texts/phone to be returned, and a laundry list of other things to do. [see what I did there?]

During our educational journey, we are told that anything other than classes, powerpoints, or exams are a distraction. To some degree, I understand. HOWEVER, a distraction or two never hurt anyone.

Right?

Right?

This is the kind of distraction I would fully support, sign up for, and participate in.

Tall, handsome, intelligent, has a way with words, and a food lover

However this pretty much sums up my distractions>>>> "Eff not having an cute boy to be interested in. Ugh".--Little Miss Sunshine

It really is that simple

there are times when I think I see you

each time

my breath escapes me

my heart stops

time slows down

[insert dramatic kissing scene from The Notebook]

....insert melodrama.

Honestly, sometimes this whole having a crush or liking someone is so full of theatrics I don't know where to turn; like a maze I can't get out of [not that I'm actually doing anything to get out of it....] but i digress......

The ups and downs that emerge when the opposite sex collide is straight out of a Lifetime movie. (Well minus the low budget, straight to DVD feel. Lol) Liking someone is full of incoherent text messages to friends, butterflies, and wall slides. All of which I've experienced time and time again.

Each time I ask myself, "Why am I putting myself through this....Why am I hoping for hope?"

And to that I remind myself how silently excited I get when someone mentions your name, how your mere presence makes my heart flutter, and how differently my name sounds coming from your lips. [if this isn't that sappy nonsense that warrants an eye-roll, I don't know what is! But sometimes it be's like that.....]

....it's the simple things in life that keep me coming back for more.

.....*takes a bow* end scene

Three's a crowd.

***Last night I went out for my friend's birthday 22nd birthday and her goal of the night was to get shwasted. Goal was met. But I'm pretty sure she won't be drinking alcohol again for at least six months. Oops. Lol***

During this birthday celebration we met a lot of guys. However some of them were..? How can I put this nicely?.....they left nothing to be desired. I could smell their insecurity. It was overwhelming.

Insecurity was the third wheel and I didn't like it all. Why are you talking to me even though you've expressed interest in talking to one of my friends?? More importantly why are you sprinkling comments about how beautiful my smile is throughout the conversation while again wanting to talk to my friend??? Sir I don't wantchu and neither does my friend. I am not a middle man. The same guy asked if my other friend was stuck up. Just because a girl is not paying you any attention does not mean she's stuck up. She doesn't want to be bothered with your insecure behind. I was sooo drained.

The only thing worse than a man without self esteem is what I like to call "the thirstbucket" Being persistant and being thirsty are two different things. If I say, I'm not kicking it because my drunk friend needs my attention and you still proceed to get in where you fit in......

GIFSoup

.....chile please. ((Please note: after a message or two back forth, he finally got the picture. Lol))

An insecure man is something I can't condone and/or support.

Deemed Unfit

"What's a girl to do?? What would you do??


this is text I got from one of the besties and for the first time in a long time....I didn't have a witty, all knowing response. Lol
Instead all I had to give her were my memories of what may have been to make her understand at this juncture I am ill equipped for advice.
Why?
Well because....
girl meets boy
girl likes boy
boy disappears
girl is confused
Yes that's pretty much what happened in the abridged version of my life.
How can I give advice to a friend, when I'm still holding on to something that may have not been there in the first place but I think was there, that I hope was there, that I'm pretty sure was there????

Do you see all of that confusion???? It's exhausting and yet I find myself there day in and day out..
Like a bad habit
I can't shake him
Like something that sticky that won't go away
Well let's be honest
I haven't tried to shake or blow (did I giggle? yes I did)

So I ask myself, "What's a girl to do?"

My answer: I'm not quite sure. I'm gonna continue to distract myself until I find the energy to examine the whys and the why not's of Disappearing Act (this is what I shall call him for now. Lol)

Is it avoidance? I can't call it.... *shrugs*
So what about my bestie and her situation. She's still confused.
We'll be confused together.

I mean that's all I can offer
It's something, right?!

New Years Eve :)

....no resolutions this year but that doesn't quite mean I don't want to make any changes. It's New Years Eve and it feels like just another day to me *shrugs*

Any who,

2010 was an interesting year to say the least. I learned so much about myself and even more about the people that were in my life at the time. Each of them served their purpose and in the end looking back on it

*there was a lesson to be learned

Mistakes were made. At times, I knowingly did things that probably weren't a good idea. But then again..... "A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that still doesn't mean she can't have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones."

2010 was something else I tell you. My friends graduated leaving me behind as I finished my undergraduate career, boys came and went, most of my life was spent in the confines of SEL, new friends were made, there were tears and moments of despair

but I can honestly say that laughter and prayer outweighed it all :)

So 2010 I bid adieu. *raises glass*

2011, I welcome you with an open heart and open spirit