ramble.

always trying to find the good in situations can be harder than actually admitting the truth
especially someone like me, who at all times follows her truth.
"The truth is the light"
"To thine own self be true"
two statments I live by
Commited to.
It's amazing the character flaws we overlook when we are friends with someone.
Funny thing is maybe I am the flawed one.
What did Momma Maya say?
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them"
If this aint filled with truth
I don't know what is.
People will be people.
You either except them
or you don't.
I live in absolutes.
Apparently others do not
And yet here we are
the world still spinning on its axis
still going through the motions
something must be working right?

so there's this guy....

It's amazing how differently life looks when you like someone.

I'm convinced the blues are bluer.

I analyze every text message
Every conversation
Every movement.

Slowly but surely

driving myself crazy. 

Not gonna lie,
He made me like Jill Scott
more.
*cues Cross My Mind*

He wants to read my poetry. 

Should I write him a poem?

With every interaction, I hope that I didn't mess it up. Who I be?!?!
As frustrating as liking a guy can be [the place where questions and insecurities collide] I wouldn't change a thing.
I enjoy him.

I'm just gonna ride this thang on out....

My Presence is a Present

Everyday brings a lesson

I'm learning

I'm living

Counting down the days

As much as I am looking forward to graduating and what not, I want to enjoy these moments. Can I be present and future oriented at the same time????????! 

Balance is key and nowhere to be found

I want to be present

I wanna ride the waves of the newness and not succumb to the questions

questions that leave me more confused that I was to begin with

questions that I don't have the answers too

As of late, I have been given glimpses of the life I want

Once given a taste, I want it all.

I keep saying this, 

LIFE BE HAPPENING

Im just a girl along for the ride 

la la land and around the mulberry bush....

These past few days have been something to say the least.
I realize that I applied to a few out of state schools
but I don't think I actually thought about the the possibility of moving.
Chile.
life be happening.
______________________________________________
Not gonna lie, I'm kinda in la la land. ;-)
But........

Maybe its all in my head.

You tell your friends about a new guy and they are all "Im so excited you're excited, I'm so happy for you, this is good for you, this is so cute, Thank God he isn't greek, he could be the one, don't block your blessing, at least one of us needs to get a boyfriend, I hope this works out for you, when's the second date...."
First of all, I'm still wrapping my head around the fact that my bestie told me I drop the ball when it comes to men. She said that my "I don't care" attitude comes off as not interested when the guy has shown interest. SAY WHAT??! I didn't know I had an "idgaf" attitude. I do care. I do care. I do care. She said that I don't express interest soon enough. <<< Friends will get you all thee way together, won't they?
....then dinner happened.

As I attempt to normalize an event that isn't quite so normal for my life.....
My own insecurities compounded with the excitement/comments/questions/concerns of my friends isn't a good look.
In other aspects of my life, I'm miss know it all. I pretty much have an answer for errything. That's what my mama would say ;-)
But when it comes to guys.....I'm not so sure. I'm not miss know it all. Don't get me wrong, I have my moments.  I be pullin'em.
I'm a little freaked out.
I feel a little out of sorts.
Hmmm
I feel like I'm rambling....
insecurities ain't sh*t.

what have i done.

Once I graduate on June 10th,2012, I will feel like I have accomplished something.
By then, I will be 24 years young and know if I got into pharmacy school.
They say getting in is half the battle.
They is right.
Just taking it day by day
that's all I have to give
With each assignment,
I know that I'm one step closer to
GRADUATION
And on that day, I will give a shout.
Until then,
I will complain about not having enough money or enough time in the day
I will spend countless hours downloading music  ((SchoolBoy Q| My Hating Joint)) when I should be studying
I will calculate my grades over and over again ......"so how many points do I need to get....?"
I will envy my two friends who have already been accepted into pharmacy school
I will become even greener with envy when my friend tells me he didn't even study for the pharmacology exam and still received a better grade than I did -_____-
I will workout three days a week and enjoy every minute of it
I will attempt to not to succumb to my quarter life crisis
In other words,
I will try not to go completely crazy.

I will graduate.

and the text said.....

A few days ago, I got a picture message from a friend in his graduation glory from his masters program. He told me about his plans to move to Georgia for his new job.
Me: Fancy :-)
Him: Prepping for my wife (you) Lol
Me: Where in Georgia will you (we) be living?
The rest of those details are irrelevant.

*Please note: my response sans an "LOL"....yall just sit with that*

 Lemme go ahead and purchase that webcam so I can skype my boo in Georgia skype my girls to discuss.



Today's text from my bestie:
"Can I just get a man? Lol. Like I need a sign from God. Anything? Okay I'm done"

....that's all I'm saying.




Was my sign already shown to me?
*Looks at God*

Where You Be At?!

"I've been dating since I was 15. I'm exhausted.  Where is he?"

Someone decided to fall asleep while watching Sex and The City last night *points at self*......
Charlotte's question is so real. I'm only 23 and I often wonder where my intended is?
I'm really not in any rush to be married and what not.
But I just want to know: Who he be?
What is he doing? Where is he? Do I already know him?
Is he gonna be better than my mama's collard greens and cornbread?
[Yall can thank Fantasia for that poetry]
Will he appreciate my love for everything Beyonce?
Will I appreciate his idiosyncrasies?
So many questions,
 no answers.
Since my husband won't be revealed to me,
what about my man-friend? (Still trying to see if that feels right....boyfriend, the boy, the beaux.....)
Where he be?
The thirst is real.
Perhaps, its the idea of a significant other that excites me?
Because who knows, I might get one and be ready to unload him.
Lol
Do I need a man?
*goes to Twitter*
RT @WisdomisMisery Hmmm, Steve asked: Do you feel uncomfortable admitting you need a man? Do you feel you need a man? (Feel free to respond ladies).
RT @WildCougConfess @WisdomisMisery I need a staff of men its just better that way << LMAO
*and we're back.....*
Nah! I don't need one.
I just would like to share my time, energy, and cuteness with someone other than my friends.
Plain and simple.
No shade to them.
But I'm currently drowning in estrogen

Sooo utterly unimpressed with my lack of options.
I'm winter time cold without a winter time boo. See what I did there?
In the meantime, I will continue to cuddle up with my books, highlighters, index cards and the rest of my school supplies.
They get me.
Been around since preschool circa 1991
Consistency is key.

More or Less.

I so desperately wanted for him to see in me what I saw in him.
Here was this guy who was the complete opposite

He was spontaneous

I'm not spontaneous. I'm a lover of schedules.

He loves nature and enjoys taking nature walks

I'd rather watch paint dry.

He always finds himself as the center of attention

I enjoy attention like the next girl but he thrives on it. 

You ever meet someone and from there on out, you just want to be around them in some capacity?! no.stalker.

I wanted my cake. I wanted to eat my cake. I wanted to drink milk with my cake.

I wanted to live in that space

where I could simultaneously be his friend and then some. 

homie.lover.friend.no girlfriend

He was a cool dude who was also soft on the eyes and kissed like there was no tomorrow

But tomorrow showed up on more than one occasion

the communication dwindled

and with most things

life went on....

We saw each other here and there

each interaction

more awkward than the last

.................................................................

I saw him recently

his eyes lit up when we crossed paths. 

he has this ability of making you feel like you're the only one in the room

for a moment I reveled in that moment

which was reminiscent of the beginnings of our "friendship"

..............................................................

Then a few nights ago he had a realization about his past interactions with women that I saw via his twitters. Twitter tells all.

Here I was thinking it was my fault.....something that I had done that changed the game.
I couldn't call it

But it was him....

At some point, along the way, he changed the rules

Leaving us women out to dry
Only to realize
it could have been handle better

I swallowed deep and texted the bestie. 

Her response: "I feel like all men who at their core are worth something but have been playing have this moment"

I think she's onto something. 

Random Rumblings #4

Emotions have been on high today.
............
One of the bestie's is moving away.
It was a tear fest.
I could barely hold it together when I got up to speak in front of her family and friends
This girl has been a constant since day one. Literally. I met her at orientation
I'm sad to see her go but I know that this a good thing for her ;-)
I'm gonna miss her though.
My cup runneth over ((from the movie Hope Floats))
...........
Saw a slew of the homies last night when I went out
It was great to see them
Time flies
I tell you
They were still cute (I know how to pick them hehe)
reminding of all the reasons why I fell for them in the first place
but that feeling quickly faded
a girl is trying to take two steps forward not 8 steps back
................
Gotta step the PCAT studying game all THEE way up.
...................
For a second I thought I was overreacting.
I thought I was being dramatic; making a big deal out of something.
But I don't think I am.
I'm in that space when something happens and it makes you question everything.

questioning my place in this game we call life.

I so want to go back to the way things were.

But maybe that's not how this story was supposed to continue

Things happen for a reason right?
I've been in my head/emotions/feelings all day today
I'm hoping with my whole heart this is just a sick and twisted episode of Punk'd
and Ashton will pop out from coat closet

trying to make sense of it all
and I've come up with nothing
acknowledging apologies along the way
not too sure where to put them
since they provide little comfort
no consolation
Not saying the apologies weren't genuine
but a bad decision still occurred
consequences
no regard was taken
none whatsoever
they say time heals all wounds
but they failed to mention
a time frame
I don't like curve balls
I don't like surprises
I don't like blatant disrespect
I like when people do the things that are asked of them
I told someone today if friendship was a points game that would've lost 10,000 points.
I'm sick of crying (be it tears of joy or anger)
I think I'm all dried up
I have nothing left
My emotions are frazzled
My eyes are tired
I am spent

i guess shit happens

I just wish it wasn't me

--mayda

Facebook Cruisin

Wayment....

This chick who the chick is and how I wondered to her page is irrelevant aka will not be revealing who she is if any of the besties care to ask ;)  uploads a picture of her Mother's Day morning. It's a picture of the breakfast platter from McDonalds, a card, and a Guess watch. Caption: My mothers day breakfast. My babe is the sweetest :) love him so much :)


She had 6 likes. -___- am I the only one that is confused here?!?!? I mean it's the thought that counts and the little things in life but my man bet not have that breakfast platter on the table on my Mother's Day Morning.

Addendum: After sharing this story with a few friends, I realized that everything aint for everybody. I'm glad that there are women out there who appreciate these small gestures. For her it was a cute gift from her man. A man that I don't have *wall slide* ....wait where was I going with this?! .....I'm back.  This was cute for her....laughable to me. Where ever my main (see what I did there?) is I hope he knows in his heart of hearts  to at least  (if nothing else) take the breakfast platter out of the McDonald's wrapping. #fakeittillyoumakeit