tidbits and tweets

-I'm learning that men are far more sensitive then they claim to be. I'm amazed. It would be great if our men were socialized to be emotionally open.
-Yesterday, I thanked my mother for raising to be independent and to have initiative. Pharmacy school has forced me to be in close proximity with people who are afraid to speak up. It baffles me.
-Just because I am friends with you, doesn't mean you don't annoy me and vice versa.
-I really don't like needy people. I don't need to be around people all the time. I like my time alone and I like to be all up in through when I want to be all up and through. Emphasis on when I want to
-I really do have a great group of friends. I hope to dance at all of their weddings/celebrations.
-I refuse to make excuses for anyone's ignorance.

 From @cleverbastard
"it should be the one who makes the unimportant days worthy of a million photos"

-The following are tweets from @theXDExperience
"I'm wrestling with this idea of "needing" a significant other.
 I'm wondering if sometimes we can be too independent.
Which is interesting because we all strive for validation....to feel like we matter to someone, or anything. I've been having revelatory moments about my life, especially my romantic life, as of late.
And I'm coming to terms with this idea of me not having the space for someone to come into my life.
 I totally understand that we should look within to find...whatever it is we need. However, there is something to be said about companionship
I never get these black men who have so much to say about blackness and end up dating or marrying outside of the race. Ok."

 From @warsan_shire
" did we all start writing because we were sad or angry or both or didn't know the difference between the two?"

From @crissles
" i've seen what happens to girls who are encouraged to be pretty and not smart. it's a tragic fucking sight when they grow up."

From @Ms_Sashi
"Oh. You're sorry? That's cool. It's not my responsibility to forgive you. Accept that & we can all move on." <<this is my truth.

ramble.

always trying to find the good in situations can be harder than actually admitting the truth
especially someone like me, who at all times follows her truth.
"The truth is the light"
"To thine own self be true"
two statments I live by
Commited to.
It's amazing the character flaws we overlook when we are friends with someone.
Funny thing is maybe I am the flawed one.
What did Momma Maya say?
"When someone shows you who they are, believe them"
If this aint filled with truth
I don't know what is.
People will be people.
You either except them
or you don't.
I live in absolutes.
Apparently others do not
And yet here we are
the world still spinning on its axis
still going through the motions
something must be working right?

RANDOM.RANT.

*this rant comes from random conversations and happenings with classmates/friends
I'm so sick of people calling Rihanna and Kim Kardashian whores. These people are the ones who say they don't care about celebrities and are the first to blast their opinions on the topic. I'm sick of people making a connection between liking Chris Brown's music and agreeing with physical abuse. GIVE ME A BREAK. SERIOUSLY. Let's be honest, I'm not even sure who still likes his music. I have her albums because I wanted to see if I liked her music. I was only mildly impressed. But as for their personal lives, quite frankly I'm done talking and hearing about Chrianna and that other girl, Kalabasas. Bless them all.

I really enjoy HBO's GIRLS! Yes its an all White cast. Yes their experiences don't match my own. But I find the show hilarious. The criticism that there should be a Black character is absolutely absurd. I don't remember this need for Black actors and realism on television when Friends was on the air. Or Sex and the City. The Golden Girls. Will and Grace (these were great shows btw!). Give me a break. Lena Dunham is writing from her experiences. Here's a thought: Perhaps these experiences don't involve Black people. Her show is a Hodge podge collection of her life experiences. The show doesn't speak to my life nor is it THE voice of my generation. It's a slice of someone's life. The characters and the writing are witty, interesting, and well developed. I'm sure White America isn't sitting at home thinking "Why aren't there any White women on Love and Hip Hop?" She's writing about what she knows and that doesn't necessarily involve Black people. Instead of ignoring her critics, she chooses Donald Glover to be her boyfriend in the new season. Although, I enjoyed their final scenes together because it did shed light on her ignorance. I didn't think it was a necessary storyline.

I look forward to my Thursday nights! Scandal is what I love. I am so sick of Black men and their issue with Olivia's affair with the President. According to them, when women watch this show we are agreeing with infidelity. I can't speak for all women. But this woman watches Scandal because it is a well written show with depth, romance, action, and suspense. Olivia is a fixer and on the surface she's perfect. But in actuality she's a woman in love with a married man who is also the leader of the free world. Girl what?! My bestie S*, thinks that is the real issue for these Black men on the blogs and on twitter. I do agree. A lot of black men don't like interracial dating ( I personally have male friends who would never date a white woman). So to have it on your television every week, so unapologetically, must be a bit jarring.*shrugs*  I enjoy the show and all of its entangling story lines. However, I do think the focus to the affair is annoying now. I want Olivia to be back in her office and solving people's crises.

I hung out with my classmates this Friday! The pharmacy fraternity had their first party of the semester. It was your usual frat party. Jungle juice made with God knows what, beer pong, and inconsistent music. As I'm saying my hellos, one of my classmates/new friend comes up to me and refers to herself as my white nigga. GIRL WHAT?! I just looked at her and asked her to repeat what she had said because I was sure I had misunderstood her. She repeats it and then goes on to say, "Oh I thought I could it as long as it ends with -a not the -er!" GIRL WHAT? I told her around me she could say neither and walked away. Was I surprised? Not really. I had always had a feeling she would say something ignorant to me but it still shook me. I told my other Black classmates. They all said that this wasn't surprising because her upbringing wasn't that diverse. So because of that I should excuse this behavior? Give me a break. She is a really sweet girl but ignorance will not be tolerated. Trust and believe this will be brought up tomorrow during our break. I'm sure there will be tears but I won't be moved.

I'm still not quite sure why white people still want to touch our hair. Get your hands off of me. I am not an animal.

There is a part of me that is always aware of not being that angry Black woman. I must tell you its exhausting at times. Honestly,I think people confuse having an opinion with being angry. I'm not angry. Actually far from it. I'm just a Black girl with an opinion who will voice it at every turn. I think sometimes I get caught up in other people's shortcomings(other people's idea of how I should act/react) that I end up selling myself short. See what I did there?At the end of the day, I can only be me.


*ENDS RANT*

quote junkie

"i wish to sit quietly in the shade of what was. let it wash over me and leave its ink stains. i'll remember your name"-- alysia harris

"he makes me smile in all the right places"--alysia harris

"so much of a woman's struggle for their own power is tied to their wombs and who owns rights to them and I'm just sick of it" --@feministajones

"i love you once.i am so happy to see you love again, by another"--warsan shire

"i ask a girl her favorite ice cream beacuse,well, a pint of it is cheaper than flowers and makes her just as happy"--- Jozen Cummings

No matter what a Black man does, there is always someone ready to save him from accountability. Meanwhile, we leave our women to drown.---Jamilah Lemieux

"I like it when I like someone no one else is into. I'm not trying to spend my entire relationship fighting hoes" @jimmychoo2

olde columbus town.

I'm back like I never left. Five weeks well spent in the great state of Ohio. This past weekend I visited my alma mater. I was so excited to be back on my old stomping grounds. A familiar place with familiar faces. I saw people that I desperately wanted to see(next time we will link up K*!!!) and others I could've done without. I saw one guy who a few years ago broke me into what I believed were damaged goods. I saw him. Starred him in the face. Watched him, watch me. All the pieces of me were intact. I didn't catch my breath. I continued my conversation as he did a double take. In that moment, I really realized time heals wounds.It was only a few years ago that he came into my world and turned it upside. I don't think I will ever forget what happened. I don't think the details will ever get fuzzy. But he no longer has control over me and what a feeling that is. Anywho, I went to karaoke with the bestie. I'm not really here for karaoke. Not that it isn't a good time but it's just not my thing. Please believe, I tried my darnedest not to go. I'm pretty sure she picked me up for dinner with the intention of kidnapping and taking me to this karaoke bar. I whined and resisted. Bless her for wearing me down. Lol. But it ended up being a fun time ;-) I went to dinner with coworkers and another bestie was there too. FATE is real because we had already made up in our minds that we wouldn't be able to see each other. I went to Arena and hit up my old hot spots. Same bars, same people. People kept saying, "OMG, I haven't seen you in a while" o___________________O Having to say over and over "I no longer live here" got old real quick. I'm not one for pleasantries with people I'm no longer friends with or never was friends with in the first place. It's not that I didn't want to see people but at what point in life do people stop with these phony conversations. Girl you don't care about what I'm doing in Philly and I don't care to tell you. I spoke with some old guy friends. It was nice to see them but I kept those conversations short and sweet. We exchanged a few details and that was that. We're no longer in that 2009 moment of our friendship.I think the conversations that occurred with them and a few others were just enough. Although I miss the familiarity, I'm so glad that I was able to move and experience something new. I think I reached my social capacity. In the sense that I'm not really sure what newness would've developed had I had the opportunity to stay. Moving to Philly allowed me to become nostalgic about olde Columbus town. It allowed me to look forward to coming back and visiting friends that have set up their adult lives there. It allowed me to really understand that I became an adult there. That is the place where all of my collegiate growing pains occurred. So much of who I am is because of that city. To come back and for it to feel the same and feel different all at the same time......I can't really put it into anymore words.

2013.

I meant to post this last week but I didn't feel like it to put it simply. Winter break is real and writing a post seemed like work. But now I'm up in the wee hours of the morning wanting to write. So here I am.
The beginning of 2012 was so painstakingly shacky. I was in the middle of applying to pharmacy schools and taking the PCAT for the second time. I was nervous. Questioning my life plan and wondering what God was up to. I flew for the 1st time in my adult life. Each time was for a pharmacy interview. Not getting into your top school was crushing to the dream. Then to be waitlisted. Chile. When I say I was emotionally ravaged. I WAS EMOTIONALLY RAVAGED.But to get the call from Joan saying I got into Temple. I think it was the first time I was literally left speechless. The feeling was unreal. Everything I   had worked for had paid off. They saw my potential. They saw what I see in myself. Applying to pharmacy school or any graduate level program is humbling!!!
There was a guy that had me all twisted in the game. It was fun and then it wasn't and then it was fun again. I was impressed with the idea of him(well he and I) which I think allowed me to make excuses when he left the picture without any explanation and then re appeared without any real effort. Looking back on it, I see where I did myself a disservice. The fun outweighed the foolishness. In those moments I felt I was in control calling the shots. But looking back that wasn't the case. It was all him. Again the fun outweighed the foolishness.  Then there is the guy who I could see being married to and having his ashy black babies. But the timing was off. The distance was too much. He's a great guy. Maybe we'll end up together. Who knows. I think of him often. But again timing and distance aren't in our favor. Hmmm.
When a friend quotes one of the woman from Love and Hip and seriously applies it to her life situation, the friendship shouldn't continue. I know this now. I finally get it. Some people are only great in a social atmosphere. They are the ones you call for happy hour and when you need someone else to take tequila shots with because taking them by yourself is a sign of alcoholism. Not to be brought within the circle of trust. I seem to always have an issue with loyalty. Women being loyal to me. Finding women who believe in the same social cues/boundaries can be difficult. Here the lesson was again. I wanted to be enlightened and act as though what happened between her and I didn't change our dynamic but it did. I no longer trusted her. I distanced myself and felt bad about it. She didn't have many girlfriends and I felt like we connected but you cant lie to me ,drain me emotionally, AND still be my friend. But as the saying goes fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. It just left a bad taste in my mouth.  Also, I realized I despise when friends continually ask for advice(boo-hooing on my couch in the wee hours of the morning) and they still haven't taken the advice. Girl I'm not about to keep dishing out advice that you asked for and your still knee deep in drama. And a lot of the drama was self created. In reality, the friendship was doomed. I'm all about peace of mind and will do any and everything to protect it. With all that said, Bless her. A part of me wants to know how she's doing now. But I think its best I continue to keep my distance.
On the other hand, I cultivated some great friendships and strengthened others. The night *K and I spent on Skype calling a thing a thing/owning our truths. Best Skype ever! The fact that I was able to spend Thanksgiving with a friend from freshman year and a friend from junior year was just amazing! I really have some great friends:) 
I moved to the city of Brotherly Love! My classmates are annoying and amazin g at the same time. They really are an interesting bunch. Pharmacy school will humble you but I know this is the career for me.
I recently decided to stop perming my hair and go natural. Not gonna lie I miss my perm. I saw this girl on the train with a fresh perm and I was salivating. But this transition forces to me to experiment with my hair. I have a rant to post about natural hair. I'm sure its not what you think its about. Lol
2012 was good to me. Dreams came true.
In 2012, my mother asked me if I liked white men. I proceeded to explain my love for black men but I wouldn't be opposed to the swirl.
Perhaps I will experience a mahogany or mulatto moment in 2013. I don't discriminate, racially. Height will always be important.
Anywho.
In 2013 I hope to continue my journey of learning about myself. I think sometimes I get so caught up in the crazy that I forget to check in with myself. I want to take better care of myself this year. I always say that I'm a PYT. It's time to really mean that. I can't be a PYT with a muffin top. That's the opposite of cute. I also want to get involved in the community of Philadelphia, specifically with young Black girls.  I'm not sure in what capacity but I think I can have an impact.
2012 was filled with ups and downs. Filled with lessons and experiences. I really feel that I'm coming into my own and it feels great. There is a self assuredness that I feel. I'm sure 2013 will be even more exciting. :)

Food for thought.

"I'm a good girl"
"What makes you think that?"
"Hmm....well I guess I should simply say, I'm a good person."
"...why?"
I began to list the myriad of reasons. I was told that I was really good at talking about and analyzing myself.
Like my girl Iyanla, I learned early on that one must own their truth and be comfortable in that space. I've spent time getting to know me over the last few years. I'm not saying that I have nothing else to learn about myself or nothing else to teach. I mean that at twenty four, I have a pretty good sense of self. I have learned to live within my truth. Some friends have said that I can be mean or heartless. These are things that I know about myself. Would I say that I was mean? No. I would say that at times I can be a bit forward and too blunt. I do believe that I can work on my delivery. That's growth if I ever did see it.
I say all of this to say,
It feels great to live within my truth. It's not always easy. But if I can't be truthful and honest with myself, how can I expect that from others?